Oh sure, I can offer up excuses. I was exhausted and stressed and running out of food. It's true. But the sad truth is, when push comes to shove, when I'm really stressed out, it's either buy food, or go hungry. Because I just will not bother to make myself food when I'm stressed if it takes ANY effort. It's a bad, bad habit, but when I hit the end of my rope, I would rather skip meals than cook.
And I'm at the end of my rope. Or near it. Every day I feel as burned out as the day before. And it doesn't matter how much sleep I get or how much I accomplish, or how much I try to let myself relax and watch TV or read a book. Today, at the end of work, I landed up in co-worker's office crying.
I don't do well with stress. Correction, I tend to work just fine under pressure, but the big problem is, I'm a control freak. And when I'm dealing with things outside of my control, I just break down.
I don't know what to do. Today, I had a major melt down of the sort that I haven't experienced in over a year. I *thought* I was getting better, and learning to handle things better. And maybe I am, but today I completely relapsed. I spent the whole day obsessing over things that I really didn't need to obsess over. It was absolutely horrible.
And the worst of it is, I'm so stressed about visas and car selling and car smogging and stuff selling and apartment moving, that I'm not even able to be excited. Instead I am thinking about all the logistics and it's overwhelming and scary. And then I think about the "non-required" reading list a mile long that I got sent and I wonder, how the hell am I going to do this? Everyone thinks that this is going to be so great and I'm going to do so well and has such high expectations. But like ... I haven't been back to school is seven years. I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I can barely figure out my stupid Stafford loans. If I can't figure out my loans, how the hell am I smart enough to go to graduate school!
I know that deep down, underneath all the stress and angst and heartache that this is the right thing to do. Sometimes when I'm able to reach deep down, I remember why I'm going, and I get all excited and happy and amazed that I was afforded such a wonderful opportunity. But too often, I'm just thinking, "Crap, I have to clean out my car and drive 5 miles out of the way to the non-toxic dry-cleaner, and then I have to get my car washed and OH MY GOD MY HAIR IS A DISASTER, I HAVE TO CUT MY HAIR."
I dunno. I feel stupid whining about my life when this is all good stuff happening. I know I should be properly happy and grateful and not be a pain in the ass on my blog about how life is HARD when hellooooo, clearly I should be counting my blessings.
But guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys! Life is hard!!!!!