Dear Canned Carrot Good,*
First of all, I'd like to start off by saying that you do great work and I support you completely. I think carrot goods are great, but I also firmly believe in CANNED carrot goods. And I understand that right now you are fighting an uphill battle given that the current administration's answer to uncanned carrot goods is, "Don't think about carrots." (Wait, I might be mixing my metaphors here.)
But anyway, I appreciate your pragmatism. You know that, like it or not, teenagers have carrots on the brain, and so we need to teach them about how to ... can. (Okay, now the metaphor is totally screwed up.)
The point is, I support you. I support you so much, that I already give you a regular contribution that is deducted from my credit card every month. I would like to support you more, but you know, I have a couple other charity organizations I support, and I'm not super rich. So I give you what I can.
In light of this, I would really, really like it, if you did not send me a solicitation letter every other day asking me to donate MORE money. I hate this for two reasons. One, it kills trees. Two, I hate to see you spending money to mail me things, when you could be devoting your scarce resources somewhere else.
Look, I promise you, when I win the lottery, I'll send you more money. Okay? And, you know what? You can also send me all the email you want. I don't mind. Seriously. But PLEASE. PLEASE, STOP sending me snail mail. It's driving me nutty.
Thanks for all your work.
*Name changed to protect the innocent
17 hours ago