Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Newest, Most Awesomest Eco Trend

Ladies! Are you tired of the same old body? Looking to change your physical appearance for the better in 2010?

Then I have just the idea for you!

No, I am not talking about the totally awesome pink button that is all the rage over at the BlogHer blog these days.

I mean really. How many people are gonna see that thing? Your husband? Honey, he's already locked in. And chances are, he doesn't look that closely anyway.

No, if you really want to upgrade your body this year, I have two words for you:

Boob Job

Now you may be thinking, "Huh. I always wanted a boob job, but I've been prevented from getting one due to my environmentally conscious way of life."

And I understand this predicament, believe you me. But luckily, there is now a solution.

An all natural boob job. See, it's simple. Doctors simply suck some of the fat out of your ass and stick it into your boobs.

They're recycling your fat! I mean what's more eco-tastic than that!!

For too long this procedure has been frowned upon by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons who argued that fat recycling (or up-cycling as it were) could make mammogram readings problematic. But now, the society's task force has issued a report with this extremely positive endorsement:

[Fat up-cycling]could potentially interfere with breast cancer detection; however no evidence was found that strongly suggests this interference.


No evidence STRONGLY suggests that putting your ass fat into your boobs could hinder doctors from detecting breast cancer!!

Now, the downside to this extremely natural procedure is that, unlike silicone, you can lose fat. So, if, for example, you start working out, your boobs might go away.

But come on. Who wants to work out anyway? Exercise is so un-eco.

So, do it for you. Do it for your husband. Do it for planet. Hell, do it for Al Gore.

Because you know what they say. Recycling your Brita filter is so last decade. This year, all the cool greenies are recycling their fat.

15 comments:

Crunchy Chicken said...

Oh, I'm already all over that. I know someone who is getting it done, but it's for breast reconstruction after a double mastectomy.

But, the part that was left out was that you should jumpstart things by using one of those breast suction contraptions that actually builds breast tissue. Average size increase is about 1 to 1.5 sizes. And, it's long-term. The procedure takes a long time and isn't exactly comfortable, but aren't huge hooters worth it?

I was going to post about it, but just haven't gotten around to it.

I better go start eating some cupcakes to make sure I have enough fat to harvest. DD doesn't come easy, you know.

Farmer's Daughter said...

I've found that being pregnant has made my boobs bigger than I ever wanted them... Not that they were small to start with so I don't get the whole boob job thing anyway.

As for the cosmetics, all I'm left wondering is does the packaging read "For external use only"? I just really hope there's not lead in there. And do they test on animals? Those poor rats!

Green Bean said...

Bleh!!!!

ruchi said...

Wow, a breast suction contraption? Sign me up!!

Ab, by cosmetics are you asking about the pink button? I guess it is a cosmetic.... :)

Let it be known that GB is ANTI-RECYCLING, ladies and gentlemen! ;)

Farmer's Daughter said...

It is a cosmetic, right? Or did I totally read the article wrong?

Beany said...

I thought having a big butt was healthy. And since I am all about being healthy, I am protesting this new development.

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

Hee hee! You are hilarious.

Don't forget that fat also = insulation. By moving some of your excess insulation from your basement to your draughty attic, you're reducing your heat consumption! This must be why women with boob jobs wear fewer clothes.

I blogged a couple of years ago about a soldier who had some belly fat tissue grafted onto his hand to heal a shrapnel wound. When he got older and put on weight, the graft followed suit. Yep, his hand grew a beer belly... My friend pointed out that lots of people get belly fat put into their lips, too, so there might be some very fat lipped people walking around now!

Beany, I told my husband about that study and he said "I'm glad to know you're so exceptionally healthy". I guess I did leave myself open to that one...

Crunchy Chicken said...

Well, I guess it's better than getting a flap where they relocate skin and flesh from your upper thigh (where it meets your buttocks).

With the method you mentioned you don't get that unsightly ass hair growing on your boobs.

ruchi said...

Abbie, um, yes, it is a cosmetic. Just not for your face. :)

Beany, sweet! I am TOTALLY healthy then!! :)

Cath, excellent point! We should factor in heating energy saved due to boob job.

Crunch, ew. Gross.

knutty knitter said...

I don't remember it being April 1st. I seem to have lost a month or so somewhere :)

viv in nz

Eco Yogini said...

bahahahah.

ridiculously funny... and strangely frustrating and sad at the same time.

Going Crunchy said...

Could I be so crass as to offer my own extra insulation for those that might desire more? I'll happily donate my excess to help another out. Just call me a giver.

Lisa Sharp said...

Wow, I guess I can't understand since my boobs are much bigger than I would like but still.

Amy Manning said...

Barf!

Beth Terry, aka Fake Plastic Fish said...

So have you had it done already and if so, will you post pictures? If not, why not? I thought you were so pro recycling.

And it's very funny that my word verification word is "plumpoma." Very fitting for this piece, no?